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Choices the Masquerade: Blood Bound

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Or alternatively, A Horrible Amalgamation of Twilight, 50 Shades, and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines.

Allow me to provide the context for which this is supposed to make sense.

Back in the Summer of 2016 (IIRC), an mobile gaming app was released by a group called Pixelberry.  In a nutshell, each game is a story in which you control either a custom MC (such as Hero) or an established character (The Crown and the Flame or Most Wanted).  In addition to having some really kickass stories and interesting characters, much to my surprise when first playing the game, it is also infamous for its heavy use of Diamonds.  Diamonds are an in-game currency that you can by and use to unlock special scenes, weapons, armor, clothing, etc.  Unfortunately, you are only given enough diamonds for one or two premium options.  While some games, diamond scenes only add spice and a few more clothing options, but in others (and TCaTF was horrible at this) it was basically a MUST if you want the Best Ending.  Since its beginnings, which only had about 3-4 stories, has grown tremendously.  One of its newest titles is Blood Bound, and OOOOHHHHH BOY.  Let's just say, you'll figure out pretty quickly why I titled it the way I did.  Now that I've gotten the background covered, let's get to it!

Buckle up kiddies, this one is a doozy. 


Right away before the game even starts, you're treated to a loading screen of a non-customized MC embracing (lol, see what I did there?)  the primary/heavily favored LI, something reminiscent of Twilight/50 Shades.  Immediately, I am taken aback by some of the loading screen tips, namely the ones that say Every culture has a some sort of vampiric myth and Some say vampirism dates back to ancient Babylon, maybe even further.  Hell, even vampire clans exist in the city.  Kinda reminds me of something...


Nope.  Just a coincidence.  Totally not stealing, borrowing, inspired by this.

Anyway, after choosing my character's looks I am forced to come up with a name.  Let's do...Lilith.  No reason at all.  None. Just like the name. Why are you looking at me like that?  Lilith is your stereotypical small town girl with big dreams, living in the city of New York with her nerdy roommate Lily (more on her later).  The game starts with her about to enter a job interview, and with that the shit show is officially on the road. Just a heads up, most of this will contain snark and not be 100% verbatim of what happens.

Lilith walks into Raines Corporation, where she is greeted by some bitch whose name I have already forgotten about.  Let's call her, Stereotypical Right Hand Woman.  So Stereotypical Right Hand Woman opens up by asking some pretty basic questions:  Why do you want to work here?  What do you think you can bring to the company?  I should also point out that Lilith is surprised that she's apparently being looked at for the role of assistant to the CEO.  Seriously?  WTF?  Don't you think you should know what the fuck you're interviewing for?  Rule #1 man, and you already fucked up.  Stereotypical Right Hand Woman is then interrupted by the CEO, Adrian Raines himself.  You get to choose what Adrian looks like, so I went with the guy in the middle. 


Let's be honest, the other options weren't even real options...

Let's give him a nickname...How about Not-Christian Grey?  Not-Christian Grey barges in on your interview and the asks Lilith some weird shit and then he asks you about your take on a story that carries some philosophical points to ponder.  No matter what you pick, you're guaranteed the job regardless.  Man, I wish I had that level of charisma.  I'd feel a lot better about my current job hunt.  What?  I have loans.  Don't judge me.

Stereotypical Right Hand Woman objects to his rash decision to hire Lilith, but he's all "Eh, fuck it," and ignores her.  Lilith is then prompted by Not-Christian Grey to go pull some presents out from the basement for some friends of his that are on their way over.  Some more weird shit is said and Lilith is only mildly concerned.  I'm so glad this is our protagonist.  She runs into some weird, old guy who is grumpy and tells her to GTFO, but she's all like "plz no."  Grumpy then disappears for a little bit and gives her a box full of some antiquity stuff and something called red mandrake Not-Christian Grey probably bought off Amazon.  Grumpy then tells Lilith who to give the gifts to and to not fuck up and that the red weed is for Not-Christian Grey, and she's all "k thx bye."  Lilith then arrives and meets another two people whose names I cannot be bothered to look up so I'll just give them nicknames:  Egyptian Ming Xiao and Mr.  I Don't Respect Women. As long as you pick the right option, Lilith hands out the gifts successfully like a sobered Santa Claus with tits.  Not-Christian Grey is happy, as are Egyptian Ming Xiao and Mr.  I Don't Respect Women.  Mr.  I Don't Respect Women gets ahold of your arm and suggests that you call him Daddy, and Not-Christian Grey and Egyptian Ming Xiao are disgusted because GFDI...


I was gonna say it's the current year but I guess this works too...

 Not-Christian Grey is not amused, leaps to defend your honor, and tells Mr.  I Don't Respect Women that he does not know de way.  Lilith is then instructed to leave the room and then gets a text from her roommate Lily.  Since we are on a roll with nicknames, let's call her Not-Heather Poe.   Not-Heather Poe texts you about how things are going and reveals that she's waiting for date night with her girlfriend.  Suddenly, the Cool Kids Club meeting adjourns and Not-Christian Grey invites you to dinner, which, shocker, is a diamonds-only option.  At this point, I said fuck it and took to the internet to see what happens.  Turns out vampires are slightly different in that they can partake in mortal food/drink.  Whew.  Good thing they threw that in there, otherwise I would have thought for sure that they heavily borrowed from a much better vampiric game.  I'm sure we'll have more signs that prove that this isn't just some shitty VtM universe fanfic. /sarcasm

Just like in any self-insert style game, your character is treated to a fine meal paired with even better booze.  Not -Christian Grey  then asks Lilith to describe experience with said booze, resulting in Lilith shitting out some purple prose that would make Stephanie Meyer eat her asshole out with Tabasco sauce and ghost peppers.  Not-Christian Grey is aroused by this for some fucking reason...I don't know...And then you ask him about his personal life after he mentions that he's from France.

Wait a minute.

A financially successful Vampire CEO? From France?  With his name plastered on a giant corporate building?  Hmm...


God, if only I could think of someone with similar characteristics.  I'm sure it'll come to me eventually.

Lilith then spouts out some shit about building for a better future, the dinner ends, and you meet Not-Heather Poe at home, who's been flaked on by her girlfriend.  Lilith either tells her "I'm sure it's nothing," or "Dude, dump that bitch."  Not-Heather Poe then asks her about her day and she's all, "Oh, it's nothing.  I just got a job at a big ass corporation and shit is only a little weird."  Lilith then remembers she's carrying Not -Christian Grey 's weed and then runs back to work to drop off the evidence.  She sees that Not -Christian Grey is still in his office and walks right in without knocking.  Motherfucking Millennial.  How dare she not announce her presence?  Liliths is the embodiment of everything wrong with generation, I tell you...    is

Anyway, Lilith witnesses Not -Christian Grey y basically doing the one thing shy of deep-throating Stereotypical Right Hand Woman on his desk and then the chapter ends.

To be continued..



Edited by NobleShadowHunter

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21 hours ago, Amadaun said:

This is amazing and I demand more.

As the Snark Queen commands!

Chapter 2 picks up immediately where last chapter ended.  Not-Christian Grey is still deep-throating Stereotypical Right Hand Woman and looks at Lilith as if she's going to be desert.  Lilith finally decides to fucking panic at the situation and then Stereotypical Right Hand Woman gets up and bitches her out for not knocking first.  Not-Christian Grey apologizes for kinks and Lilith, despite emoting earlier is now all "meh" and hands him his weed.  Stereotypical Right Hand Woman tells Not-Christian Grey that telling the brand new assistant is a horrible idea and he basically tells her, "eh fuck it,"...again. Not-Christian Grey says that vampirism is cool in the city, so as long as it is consensual and then asks you do to him a solid.   Rather than do the sensible thing and handing in her two-weeks notice, Lilith is all "sure why not."  

So it turns out there's a whole council for the vampires in New York and they are called the Camerilla.  Actually, no, they're just called the Council.  Each vampire on the Council is the head of their clan kinda just like the Camarilla.  Not-Christian Grey then says that the two of them are going to this exclusive club/fashion show place owned by some bitch named Priya Lacroix.  Wait, a douche-canoe character named Lacroix?  Who represents a clan within a giant city?  Hmm...


Lacroix wants his royalty check, dammit.

Fuck it. From now on I'm calling her Princess Lacroix.  Upon hearing that Lilith's favorite fashion designer is a cruel, sadistic vampire, her reaction could not be anymore jarring.  She could not give two shits about walking into her club knowing what she knows about Princess Lacroix.  Lilith then notes that her attire isn't up to par with what is expected at a fashion show of Princess Lacroix and then Not-Christian Grey, for some fucking reason, has a small shipment of Princess Lacroix's latest batch of dresses.  Surprise!  Diamond option that doesn't really affect jack shit!  Lilith, if turning down the dress, comments that wearing something that costs more than her rent is a terrible idea.  And yet it still hasn't dawned on her that going to Princess Lacroix's club is an even worse idea. The two leave and Lilith asks some Not-Christian Grey some stupid shit about being a vampire, but some of them actually help set up for future conviences world building within the context of the story.  The biggest offender is her asking about the sunlight, to which he replies that vampires have about 30 minutes tops before they succumb to Final Death...I mean, going bye-bye.  Well at least we can all take heart that vampires don't sparkle.  Thank fuck for that.  And then Lilith finally asks "have you killed anyone?"  Hey dumbass, probably NOT the thing to be asking your boss right about now.  Or ever, for that matter.

Did I mention how much I'm so glad this is our protagonist?

So Lilith and Not-Christian Grey go down to Princess Lacroix's to talk about the recent attacks that have been happening in the city.  Turns out vampires can become feral!  Not-Christian Grey also reveal that him and the other Not-Primogen stole their ideas for organizing their super secret society and keeping population in check from a much better game about vampires. 

Anyway when you get to the door the two of you are blocked.  If you chose the "I'm his assistant" option, the bouncer is all "lol no," but then Not-Christian Grey implies otherwise.  By the way, this entire story up to this point is less than 24 hours.  Just in case you were wondering.  Anyway Lilith watches some people being too sexy for their shirts out on the cat walk and then spots a painting fragment lying on the ground.  Because reasons. Lilith picks up the hallucinogenic picture and has an acid trip worthy of song, and it really makes you wonder if Not-Christian Grey gave her a blunt full of the red weed before they left.

Cut to a scene of Not-Christian Grey waking up in a log cabin during the American Revolution with his Sire, whom we'll call Chekhov's Sire.  Chekhov's Sire and Not-Christian Grey have a back and forth on what has just happened and then tells Not-Christian Grey to stop being a pussy and snack on the British Soldier outside.  After British Soldier points his boom stick at Not-Christian Grey, he becomes a human Capri-Sun.  Alas, British Soldier, he is dead.

Lilith's acid trip ends and Not-Christian Grey shows up and says he needs to meet with Princess Lacroix on Camer-I mean, Council business.  In exchange for diamonds, Lilith goes into Princess Lacroix's Red Room with a male-flavored Vesuvius twist, sees some weird decadent shit, and then get hit on by Princess Lacroix.  Not-Christian Grey tells Princess Lacroix to get off her ass and act like a real fucking Not-Primogen and she's all like, "nah."  Lilith pulls a klutz moment, falls over, and cuts her hand on broken glass which send the vampires into a tizzy.  Not-Christian Grey pulls an Edward Cullen and everyone backs off and then the two leave.  They then discuss the recent events and Lilith is all, "This was fun!  :D" Once again, I ponder the meaning of life.  Eventually the two end up in Central Park and Not-Christain Grey says that Stereotypical Right Hand Woman actually had a point and that Lilith needs to be debriefed.  Lilith then asks what that means and the two spot a Feral Nosferatu Vampire chomping down on a woman like she's a human Capri-Sun and then the chapter ends.


I don't know and I don't think the game knows either.

Stay tuned for chapter 3!



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11 hours ago, Visceral Moonlight said:

I still haven't played VM:B. I feel ashamed.

You should! (feel ashamed)

If you get it from GOG, I think it includes the patches. I was tempted to buy it again just for that.

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And don't play a Malkavian first or you'll miss a ton of stuff.  It's not quite the hard mode of the Nosferatu, but it makes it more difficult to figure out what's going on.

I'm currently on a Tremere playthrough to get the non-LaCroix Camarilla ending.  

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And now, for the not so thrilling conclusion of Interrupted Nosferatu Snack Time!

Feral Nosferatu notices Not-Christian Grey and Lilith and decides it's best to put down his human sippy cup and kick some ass.  Rule #Whatever-the -fuck of Vampires:  Never interrupt snack time.  Feral Nossie decides to pick at Not-Christian Grey's likely future snack, but he's all "aw hell naw" and steps in between to save Lilith.  At this point, I really want to change her name to Too Dumb To Live.  Maybe I will.  Maybe.

Not-Christian Grey the asks Lilith to hand him a weapon and she can decide to choose between either a sharp branch or a rock.  Remember those loading screens?  The ones that no one pays attention to?  Guess what was your clue to this part of the chapter?  So Lilith, in moment of clarity (actually it was me being smart; Lilith probably would have thrown the rock.  Dumb bitch), and Not-Christian Grey sends the Feral Nossie to his Final Death.  That bastard.  He just wanted his human Capri-Sun. 

What a prick.

Lilith then asks Not-Christian Grey to call the Wambulance and he says "yeah, but we def need to gtfo when they get here. Also you call since I'm a little shit.  Snitches get stitches hoe."  The two then, but before they do Lilith remembers that One Kinda Important Plot Point:  The Debriefing.  Not-Christian Grey says "oh yeah that," and then they go through a back door guarded by a code.  That Not-Christian Grey knows.


What the Fuck.

How the hell does he know the pass code?  WHY does he know the pass code?  Don't give me that shit of, "well he's a local billionaire, why wouldn't he know?!"  Bill Gates is the Richest Man Alive, but do you think every art gallery in the world hands out their secret pass codes for after-hours browsing?  I don't care how much money you can afford to wipe your ass with, it's a major security risk.  Who the hell approved this?  Are they a member of his clan?  Does this make him a Not-Toreador?  Fuck off game.

Lilith and Not-Christian Grey take a ride down to the basement where they meet some 14th century-dressed fuck.  No, I'm not joking.  There is a literal 14th century guy there in his 14th century attire, and how no one outside of this secret society has not bumped into this gent before I do not know and the game certainly does not provide a logical explanation.  It's vampires in a story, dammit!  So What's-His-Fuck asks if Lilith is her for her Debriefing and Not-Christian Grey looks to her for an answer.  Lilith finally asks the question, "what's involved?" and discovers that it's a euphemism for having your mind wiped.  Not-Christian Grey asks her again if this is what she wants, and we've arrived to the point in which the game is now fucked.  She says no.  Like a dumbass.  Her reasoning is that this is the most alive she has ever felt and she basically wants to gather her party and venture forth.  And they all just roll with it.



You mean to tell me that a centuries kept secret (at least in the New World, a later chapter will explain this) can simply be put at risk all because some stupid twat wasn't smart enough to stay the hell away from the obvious danger?  You mean to tell me that New York vampire society, a place that is surrounded and well-supplied with nearly every decadence available is willing to hand-wave it all and say, "well guys, we can't mind wipe her because it won't be consensual!"  Was that a term in your dumbass Compact?  Does no one think this is a horrible idea, or at least enough to say, "fuck what you want, this is a masquerade violation"?  When the fuck did vampires care about consent?  I get when you have thralls, feeding is a lot easier but fucking hell, you mean to tell me that there's never an instance where they're away and didn't pack a lunch?  Do they buy blood from the blood banks?  Who controls the blood bank?  DOES anyone control the blood bank?  That would seem like a pretty handy thing to have, or is that considered off-limits by your stupid Compact?  It may not seem like much now, but trust me it gets worse once you meet...

Well, I don't want to spoil it just yet.  Long story short, the answer to all of this is convenience, and damn, it doesn't get better from here.  Anyway, back to the "plot."

So Not-Christian Grey thinks it's a bad idea but doesn't give a shit because the vampire boner is strong with this one and he just goes along with it.  The two eventually part ways and Lilith crashes back at her place.  She's so exhausted by the days events that she doesn't wake until the next night.  Not-Heather Poe then informs Lilith that her girlfriend got back with her ex, and that she feels like shit.  Honestly, Not-Heather Poe likely going to be the most relatable character in this game.  Just a heads up.  Lilith decides to do an actual smart and decent thing and takes Not-Heather Poe out for a night of getting shitfaced via tequila shots.  Well, if you paid diamonds, that is.

Not-Heather Poe and Lilith proceed to get shitfaced and shittalk her new ex and the chapter ends with a strange man watching them.  I'm sure he won't be relevant to the plot what so ever.



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Sorry for the long break!  I've been getting stuff figured out and what not.  On the bright side, I got a job as an assistant director!  Onward to the shitshow!

We begin with Lilith returning to work after the weekend.  After joking about how dull it was by comparison to her first night on the job, Not-Christian Grey tells her of another task that he has for her and that it is dangerous.  The Feral-Nosferatu-Snacking-on-Humans Brigade is getting out of hand, and he needs you to go in and talk to some douchecanoe named The Baron.  Apparently The Baron was one of the most powerful crime lords back during the Roarin' 20s and was made a Not-Primogen of the Not-Camarilla to avoid a full-blown street war.  He also owns a bar where the dress code is strictly 1920s, and if you pay Diamonds, you too can own a shiny flapper dress.  LOL, get fucked game.  He needs a nickname.  How about...Vampire Baron Praxis?  So far, out of all of the Not-Primogen so far, he's the most realistic.  A sadistic bastard who knows how to wield power, play the game, and not give a shit.  If only he were in a much better game about vampires...

Onyx Path Present Some Pre-Made Characters for VtM20

You know, I'll eventually think of the name of that game.  Just you wait.

Apparently, Not-Primogen cannot, or have forgotten how to operate a phone and Not-Christian Grey sends you off to Vampire Baron Praxis' lair to deliver some Not-Camarilla news/summons.  Am I the only one who secretly thinks he's trying to get you killed, or at the very least put you in a Damsel-in-Distress situation so that he can swoop in and save you?  Bad, Not-Christian Grey.  Swooping is bad!  

In addition to sending you on what basically amounts to a suicide mission, Not-Christian Grey offers to Lilith a temporary hickey-tattoo that basically tells other vampires that your his bitch and that you are totes protected.  Lilith gets branded, thinking that her decision to take his vampiric hickey will protect her from the big bad scary Vampire Baron Praxis.  I'm sure this won't be rendered a meaningless decision within the next five minutes...

Lilith finally arrives to the speakeasy and runs into a scrawny vampire who tries to intimidate her.  At first, it's hinted that he's Vampire Baron Praxis and then in a turn that everyone saw coming, the real Vampire Baron Praxis shows up and acts like an actual vampire out of the whole fucking cast.  Lilith tells him that Not-Christian Grey wants to talk about the Nosferatu who can't keep their asses in the sewer and that someone is making them and he's all, "meh."  Apparently none of the Not-Primogen save Not-Christian Grey and Egyptian Ming Xiao give a shit about preserving the Masquerade.  Actually, Not-Christian Grey only gives a shit when it suits him, so Egyptian Ming Xiao is the only one who cares but it's whatever.    

And in a twist that every fucking person with half a brain saw coming, Vampire Baron Praxis laughs at her vampire hickey and tells his lackeys to put Lilith back in the kitchen and she is stunned by this.  Apparently evil vampires don't give a shit about her hickeys from other vampires.  Who would have thought? 

Image result for TLJ Luke milk chug

My face during this part of the story

I'm so glad this is our protagonist.

Lilith gets hauled to the kitchen, but before they can yell at her to make them a sandwich, a stranger busts through like vampiric Asian katana-wielding Jesus and saves the day.  Night.  You know what I mean.  Anyway the two of them escape and make it to a safe house.  Lilith's savior then informs her that he's been following her for some time and that he was the guy who was watching her at the club she went to with Lily.  Two more vampires enter the scene, and their names are Likable Babette and Grandpa. He then tells her that she's at a safe house for the...Clanless.  Who tend to go feral. More than those who are not taken into a clan.  And are doomed by vampire society to roam with no backing or support and are hunted down by the Not-Camarilla under the orders of the Not-Primogen.  These are not Caitiff.  They.  Are.  Not.  Caitiff.

Anyway, Lilith decides to spend some time with the Caitiff and they open up about themselves.  Grandpa is bitter and Likable Babette has a higher chance of going feral.  Grandpa then points out that What's-his-fuck needs to drink some blood because his wound looks like shit. 

Nickname time!  What's-his-fuck is now Kue-jin Blades Rodriguez.

Lilith, who is this close to being renamed as Stupid Bitch, offers herself up as a human Capri-Sun.  Kue-jin Blades Rodriguez gets a blood boner and Lilith gets off on him feeding off of her.  Turns out the bite doesn't hurt and...and...uh...Fuck it.  This game literally gave up trying to hide that it's basically stealing shit.

The moment passes and Lilith GTFO out of the safe house, but before she does Kue-jin Blades Rodriguez warns her to not trust the Not-Camarilla, Not-Primogen, and Not-Christian Grey.  Speaking of Not-Christian Grey, Lilith runs into him and either says "Oh, I totes escaped by myself," or that the Caitiff saved her from the kitchens of Vampire Baron Praxis.  Not-Christian Grey then feels bad for the Caitiff and says he wants to help them but the Not-Camarilla is full of assholes and then the chapter ends.

Thank God.

Except it doesn't.  Lilith and Not-Christian Grey walk into her apartment and find Not-Heather Poe nearly dead from a vampire being overzealous during snack time.  

Image result for well gang it looks like we have another mystery on our hands

Sad to say, even though she's the most likable person in the cast, I could not give a single shit at this point.


Edited by NobleShadowHunter

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Hey guys!  I'm working on the next chapter and it's taking longer than I thought because the bullshit train keeps on going.  Hopefully I'll get it up soon enough before I have to start packing my stuff up.  On the plus side, once I get moved in, I can finally finish up some voice acting I have to do. 

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First things first:

I HATE MOVING.  SO DAMN MUCH.  At least I have stable internet now, and now let's continue the Misadventures of Perfectly Good Content That's Been Stolen and Turned to Shit.

So last we left off, Not-Heather Poe has been turned into a dried up human Caprisun and Lilith/Not-Christian are losing their shit.  Lilith begs Not-Christian Grey to give the middle finger to the Masquerade and the Rules of the Not-Camarilla by turning Not-Heather Poe into a vampire.  He is conflicted because he's realized this whole excuse of a plot is fucked a Not-Primogen and he doesn't have approval.  The ramifications of his actions will cost him something, and yet he knows the life of an innocent hangs in his hands.  There's no guarantee that she'll survive the transformation, and even if she does, there's a potential she'll just be beheaded by the Sheriff's pathetic cousin, Terry.  Who still owes me money.

Fuck you Terry, you prick.

But his desire to bone and be a white knight for Lilith is too much for him to bear, and so Not-Christian Grey and Lilith race Not-Heather Poe to his office.  On a positive note, Lilith reminisces on some old memories of when her and Not-Heather Poe first became roommates, showing that the writers can do well once they stop stealing shit.   Not-Christian Grey then informs Lilith that surviving the first night is the hardest part because there's such a high chance of become a Discount Wassail.  To prevent her from going Full Wassail--I mean, Feral--, Not-Christian Grey has to do a ritual-thing...which involves shoving her in a sarcophagus.  At least I don't have to break into a museum, but then that means I don't get to meet a dashing, intelligent, snark master of an archeologist who studies the origins of vampires.  What a shame.  It might have redeemed story.   

Anyway, nobody notices the obviously dying woman in Not- Christian Grey's arms as he goes through the building.  And wouldn't you know it, Stereotypical Right Hand Woman sees this and promptly asks WTF and he's all, "just roll with it."  Stereotypical Right Hand Woman pieces together that Not-Christian Grey is going to Embrace Turn Not-Heather Poe and is pissed, but he tells her to STFU.  They get in the elevator and go down to The Archives, which leads to The Chamber and--

Wait what?

So on top of a woefully outdated Archive room, there's a creepy ass chamber with a sarcophagus?  In the ginormous corporate building?  In New York City?

What the fuck???

Convenience is the only reason that this thing exists.  Fucking hell.  God forbid someone the PC cares about actually dies as a result of Lilith's actions to be a fuckwit earlier.  Moving on...

So they get to the Chamber and Lilith is trying to piece together the logic behind shoving someone in a sarcophagus and Not-Christian Grey says, "No idea, it just does.  Btw, it might not even work."  He might as well have just said, "Look, world building is hard when you can't steal shit.  Leave me alone and stop asking questions."  Lilith then offers her blood to help and he is stunned that she knows this piece of info.  She tells him (at least one can choose to) that Kue-Jin Blades Rodriguez told her the things and he's all, "meh, k."  More nothing then happens and eventually, Lilith decides to wander the archives and finds another acid-trip inducing fragment. 

The acid trip takes her back in time to see Egyptian Ming Xiao, Mr. Angry Bits, and Dumbass French Vampire Child in a castle.  Apparently the locals found out they were vampires and decided that their kind wasn't welcomed in those parts.  

Cecil the Lion's Brother Jericho Also Killed By Illegal Hunter ETA: Not so much | Page 3 ...

Damn Bigots.

Anyway the three of them play the blame game as to who is at fault and Chekhov's Sire waltzes into the scene, telling them all to grow a pair and that they're totes going to slaughter the villagers, LOL. And so they do.   Chekhov's Sire says that he's getting too old for this shit and proposes that they sail away to the New World and make their own little kingdom there.

Lilith snaps out of her Purple Haze and meets Not-Christian Grey in the elevator.  He tells her that he knows he did the right thing morally, but that there will be huge ramifications for this.  Not-Christian Grey then reveals that he has to file an appeal to allow Not-Heather Poe in, and Stereotypical Right Hand Woman was hoping to be the next addition to his clan.  Lilith, for fucking once, voices a concern and he's all, "Nah, she's fine!"  

I'm sure this won't become an issue later.  Not at all.

Egyptian Ming Xiao greets the two of them and pulls Not-Christian Grey aside to promptly chew him a new one, saying that he's on thin ice and he's about to get his ass reamed by the Discount Camarilla.  Lilith opens her mouth like an idiot and Egyptian Ming Xiao calls both of them out for being idiots.    Not-Christian Grey tells her that she's not his real mother and storms off to the rooftop because she doesn't understand what it's like to be young.  She then turns to Lilith and tells her that if shit goes south, she'll kill the PC herself.  Oh, and get her a coffee too.  Bitch.

Holy shit, guys.  Can it be?  A real character?

Egyptian Ming Xiao attempts to salvage the plot by telling us more about herself and, indeed, is the most interesting person in the whole damn story.  Fingers crossed, guys.  Lilith decides to go and see if Not-Christian Grey has stopped listening to Good Charlotte and have a possible chance to bang him.  

No.  I'm serious.  That's an option.  Known him for less than a week (48 hours at best) and it's an option. 

You know, when I said I wanted choices in my games, that's not what I meant.  

So they shoot the shit for a little bit and Not-Christen Grey reveals he's part of the Dead Wife as Part of a Backstory Society and talks about how she turned Feral.  After he was forced to kill her he decided that he was going to give up his life as an over-indulgent fuckboi and make society better.  So.  Fucking.  Original.  

I for one decided at the beginning to not romance a single person, so I went to the internet to see what happens.  


Gamer Poop has deeper writing than this shit.

I'm so glad I didn't waste in-game currency on that shit.

The two return and they open the sarcophagus and then the chapter ends.

Thank. Fuck. For. That.

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Finally got caught up on these. I am so glad I'm not playing this thing. One comment, if I may: I'm finding this a little hard to follow. First, the "Not..." names are hard to track and second, I think you've got some typos that made it so I wasn't sure what you were trying to say in a couple of spots. Pretty good satire though. :beerchug:

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After reading back through the previous chapters, I agree. I have to change Lily’s name anyway, because she actually has some character development and calling her Not-Heather Poe doesn’t fit anymore.  Next update will have a list of nickname changes.   Glad you like it so far!

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On 7/5/2018 at 11:55 AM, NobleShadowHunter said:

 At least I don't have to break into a museum, but then that means I don't get to meet a dashing, intelligent, snark master of an archeologist who studies the origins of vampires.  What a shame.  It might have redeemed story.

Beckett redeems all stories and reminds me I haven't done a Gangrel playthrough yet.

Also:  Yay stable internet and successful moving!

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2 hours ago, Amadaun said:

Beckett redeems all stories

Unless they decide to skip all the nuisance as to why he's such a great character and boil him down to "Look at me!  I made a Snark AND I'm British AND I'm damn find to look at!"

The final chapter of this shitshow of a story just came out today.  I've got some catching up to do on this series, but holy fuck it does NOT get better from here. 

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And now for the continuation of Some Ol' Bullshit: The Game!

So I'll be combining the next two chapters, mainly because of all the damn filler, in addition to some nickname changes.  Originally, I had used "Not-[insert ripped off element here]" as a way to keep track of just how much Pixelberry stole from outside source material.  However, when that naming convention gets used a bunch, it can (and does) get quite confusing (i.e Not-Heather Poe is now Black and Nerdy).  Anyway, let's get on with it.

Chapter 6 picks right back up where the story left off.  Black and Nerdy is losing her shit as she has just awoken from her vampiric slumber.  Lilith manages to calm her down by telling her some pretty heavy shit, because that always works!  Unfortunately, Black and Nerdy runs off to have a good cry in the women's bathroom.  She tracks down Black and Nerdy, gives her a vile of her blood, asks her how she's feeling, and tells her that, in addition to being a vampire, she still has to go through an approval process and if denied, it's basically going to be a recreation to the Intro of VtMB. Now, hold onto your ass cheeks because I'm about to say something positive:  This section of the story is actually not that bad.  Black and Nerdy emotes like an honest to god person.  Imagine this, you get ambushed in your own apartment, be inches away from death, only to be resurrected and then told, "hey, you consume blood now and btw, if they don't approve you, you get axed.  Fingers crossed!"  Not sure about you, but I'd probably would flip my shit too.  My only concern is that Lilith doesn't own up to her role in all of this, since I doubt this would happen if she decided to go through the Mind Wipe.  But, eh.  I'll take what I can get.

Don't worry, this all gets thrown away really quickly.

Lilith returns to Not-Christian Grey's office and they discuss what to do next.  Not-Christian Grey then comments that even though Black and Nerdy had a legitimate reason FOR being Embraced, it is likely that the Zero Calorie Camarilla will vote to execute her anyway and Lilith is stunned by this.  HOW?!  This was a major point in the last chapter, and for fuck's sake SHE TOLD HER THIS LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES AGO.  AND SHE'S SURPRISED THAT THIS IS AN OPTION?!


Moving on, they discuss who would vote in favor of sparing Black and Nerdy.  Protocol for this is a vote by the Zero Calorie Camarilla, and (for some fucking reason) they need 4 out of 6 members to agree.  Why is there not an odd number of Council members?  That would sound really fucking handy, because, you know tie breakers are a fucking thing. Anyway, Black and Nerdy then leaves with Egyptian Ming Xiao for training.

Not-Christian Grey: Check. 

Egyptian Ming Xiao:  Check.

Vampire Baron Praxis:  LOL.  Nope.avi

Mr.  Doesn't-Respect-Women:  After the first meeting?  Ha.  Get fucked.

Princess Lacriox:  No, well...Maybe...? (Hint Hint:  That's Chapter 7)

And finally, we learn the last member of the Zero Calorie Camarilla:  Senator Douchecannoe. Lilith is confused as to how the hell a vampire could be a Senator, because sessions take place during the day.

Remember waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the earlier chapters where Not-Christian Grey said that vampires could withstand about 30 minutes at most?  Yeah.  That's important now.  For this very reason.  To explain the existence of a vampiric senator.  Not saying that wouldn't be an interesting concept, but it really comes off as a "we want this to be a thing, but vampires are nocturnal.  How do we get around this?"  Perhaps a better option would be, oh, I don't know, back a very specific thrall and be a shadowy puppet master?  That way you don't a have a fucking Masquerade violation from hell further down the road?  Since, you know, politicians are very public people and that's a hell of a gamble?  Whatever, fuck world building I guess.

According to Not-Christian Grey, Senator Douchecannoe is...a douchecannoe.  In fact, back in his prime, he was a bloodthirsty Spanish noble and time hasn't made him any better.  A politician?  That's an asshole?  And our character is stunned by this?  Hey guys, can I have a game where I have the option to not RP as a dumbass?


You've got to be fucking kidding me.

But never fear, Not-Christian Grey is loaded and like anyone with special interests, he's down with buying the vote from Senator Douchecannoe.  One car ride later and the meet up with Senator Douchecannoe, who's giving a press conference saying how he will up police patrols to combat the random attacks and MAKE NEW YORK CITY GREAT AGAIN!  First off,  I thought the mayor is the one who orders for patrols to be increased, not a Senator...?  Can anyone correct me on this?  I could be wrong, but local stuff is controlled by local officials, not Senators who should be in DC right now.

They talked to Senator Douchecannoe and he's a stereotypical douche, and yet again another interesting concept is shit on yet again.  The only interesting part is that, in addition to taking a bribe from Not-Christian Grey, Senator Douchecannoe agrees to vote to spare Black and Nerdy in return for a vote on a future motion to lead a purge on the Discount Caitiff.  He agrees, and then tells Lilith that they are in a shitty spot, since they are now in his debt. Wouldn't this be something to go over beforehand?  Or wouldn't have that been implied when Not-Christian Grey told us that he was a bastard of a person?  Sweet Jesus, Pixelberry, stop treating your players like they've got the attention span of a goldfish who has smoked badly laced weed for two decades.

The two return, and lo and behold if Kue-jin Blades Rodriguez doesn't show up.  Lilith, if one pays diamonds, ditches Not-Christian Grey to hang out with him, spills her guts about her friend, Black and Nerdy (which he's pissed about, since she's known Not-Christian Grey for less than a week and he's already making exceptions for her), and tells that Senator Douchecannoe is plotting to kill his Discount Caitiff soon.  After more nothing happens, the two return and Black and Nerdy is reunited with the gang.  Since their apartment isn't safe, Not-Christian Grey offers up his guest suite...which is in his corporate building.  Totally has nothing to do with convenience what so ever.  So they go into the guest suite, and, if you pay with diamonds again, you stay up with Black and Nerdy as if it's a goddamn high school sleepover.  Oh, and you can bone her too.  So much for trying to come to terms with her new life, and any character depth that could have been experienced.  Alas, Character Development, it is dead.

So chapter 7 rolls around and now that it's established that they've got just enough votes for a tie, they go and seek out the next logical(ish) person:  Princess Lacroix.  You can pay diamonds for an outfit that gets commented on once, but surprise! it does fuck all to help you.  You, Black and Nerdy, and Not-Christian Grey go to her penthouse which looks and feels like Vesuvius and the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis the XV got super fucked up on cocaine, champagne, and caviar, experimented a little by shoving a copy of Earthly Delights up their asses, and then their spoiled, fucktastic bastard child that has a penchant for fashion design spawned from the balls of Satan himself.  When they get there, Not-Christian Grey leaves you to talk to Generic Russian Houseboy and Black and Nerdy gets the brilliant idea of snooping around the house of the person they're trying to get a vote from. If you pay diamonds, you and Black and Nerdy sneak off and tour the rest of the house.  You find a movie theater complete with a Buff Urkel, a swimming pool, and two vampires chopping down on a houseboy (which disturbs Black and Nerdy).  In short, nothing.  A whole lot of nothing happens.  I'm so glad someone else spent diamonds on that and not me.

Princess Lacroix, after talking shit about Black and Nerdy's attire, says that she will agree but only if she gets the MC in the exchange.  After a resounding "Get fucked," she promptly tells them to GTFO, and the MC and Black and Nerdy are afraid that they don't have the votes.  Not-Christian Grey promises that they'll find a way, despite that the only way that's possible is for a total ass pull.  I'm sure that won't happen.

The Diet-Primogen of the Zero Calorie Camarilla vote on the subject, and the results are as follows:

Not-Christian Grey:  Yes

Egyptian Ming Xiao:  Yes

Senator Douche: Yes

Princess Lacroix:  No

Mr. Doesn't-Respect-Women: No

Before Vampire Baron Praxis gives his vote, he demands from Not-Christian Grey to drop his investigations into the Ferals, and, desperate for the vote, he does so.  Princess Lacroix asks "WTF?" and Vampire Baron Praxis tells her to get her head out of her ass and learn to play The Game. So far, he's probably the closest thing we have to an actual vampire.  Be a shame if something were to happen to that later on.  So Black and Nerdy is accepted into Not-Christian Grey's clan and he and Egyptian Ming Xiao proceed to provide expository dialogue as to why she must get the Clan Hickey.  Apparently the Hickies keep them from going feral, and that every generation removed from the first vampire (but it's a woman, so at least they didn't do the whole Caine and Abel thing, but you know, Lilith was responsible for Caine's powers so, whatever) is subsequently weaker and holy fuck.

They seriously couldn't go TWO chapters without stealing shit?!  AGAIN?!  I know it shouldn't be a surprise but fuck me.  I'm seriously considering contacting White Wolf about this game, because I think there's enough shit that could warrant a lawsuit.  Considering that they make money off these stories by locking choices behind a premium wall and by taking so much from the Vampire the Masquerade universe because coming up with your own universe is too hard.  On a serious note, I would love to hear any info on the legalities on that.

Anyway, back to the plot.  The apartment still isn't safe to go back to and Egyptian Ming Xiao tells Black and Nerdy that she needs to stay at her place until training is complete.  If you spend diamonds, yet again, you get to have a girls' night/sleepover at the apartment that wasn't supposed to be safe.  Because logic.  Lilith then goes back to Not-Christian Grey's office after they leave and he shows her a serum that he's working on, which is to aid in his quest to become human again.  And with that Chapter 7 ends.

Note to self, never do two chapters at once ever again.  Also, after the final chapter is done, I'm going to post a Final Word section for Book I.

Oh yeah, apparently they're already planning a sequel.

Fuck me.

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Posted (edited)

Holy shit, it's been almost a year since updating.  A ton has happened since then: first job, first house, first year of teaching done, VtMB 2 was announced, SPYRO REIGNITED WAS A THING...

But, I figured it was high time that I finished this damn review, give my final two cents, and then spoil the Sequel (Blood Bound 2), though it is incomplete as of writing this section.  I'll say this right now, it's still just as bad.  At this point, I don't even really play through any of the stories because it feels like Pixelberry has given up on writing.  Which is sad because they have some great early works and A Courtesan in Rome  was actually decent (except maybe the ending).  Maybe I'll do a review on it.  Maybe.  Also, I'm changing the MC's name to Too Dumb To Live or TDTL.  I think you can all figure out why.

So chapter 8 picks up immediately where seven ended.  Not-Christian Grey shows Too Dumb To Live his magical serum.  TDTL asks him where he got it from, prompting a groan from everyone with half a functioning brain cell.  Hmm, multi billion dollar corporation.  With research and development in a myriad of fields, however the existence of the serum raises a few more questions that we will never get an answer to.  Here's a few:

1.  What kind of department would be in charge of this sort of thing?  Something like this needing to be so secretive in nature would need to be assembled by people NCG and his Right Hand Woman trusted.  

2.  Assuming that such a secretive department was created, who keeps tabs on the security?  NCG, when asks, says that it was developed by "Some of the greatest scientific minds in the vampire world."  On one hand, it would explain how word of this never got out, but on the other, it is a huge threat to NCG.  All it would take is one individual to leak information out to the other Diet-Primogen and he's fucked.  It's not like any of the others that rule on the Zero Calorie Camerilla Committee would feel threatened by such a thing and attempt to kill you.  It's not like he's pissed off anyone and has given them motivation to do so.  Though maybe I'm jumping too far ahead...

3. How is NCG getting away with keeping it a secret?  His company is private, beholden to investors, and there's no mention of him dabbling in government contracts/deals a la Tony Stark.  It's one thing if this serum is related to a government funded project, but there's no mention of that.  It's like the whole project was done on the whim of NCG who has grown tired of living forever.  Materials, funding, and anything else would eventually pop up, unless NCG is illegally fixing the books in such a way that the IRS wouldn't catch it.  So he's either stupid, or running the greatest duping of the IRS/US government the world has ever seen.  Is his entire clan, which we know exactly how many there are thanks to earlier rules establishing definitive numbers, running the operation?  Not saying this couldn't be a possibility, but it's not even addressed.  It could have added a little more to his character.  Not that we got much to begin with, but moving on...

4.  If the answer to #3 is yes, he is duping officials, shouldn't we get some internal conflict with NCG?  Think about it, he is likely not running this project through 100% legal means, and there is a high likelihood that there are some shady aspects to this whole serum.  My first impression was the possibility of smuggling materials and possible money laundering (which would be fucking amazing to see how he handles that), but TDTL doesn't even mention that.  With things like smuggling and money laundering, NCG is risking more than just his own skin for the serum; he's risking everyone involved as well but this doesn't even seem to cross his mind.  You would think that NCG, who has been established to care about others and not wanting them to end up in danger on his behalf, would have some reservations to this, but no. Nothing.  We get nothing.  Nothing on the morality of his desire to become human again, outside of MUH CLAN. 

We are less than 30 seconds into the chapter, and already I have a bunch questions.  Let that sink in.  30 seconds and already this many objections.  How does writing get this bad?

Image result for king's landing season 8 dany

Wait a minute, never mind.

  By the way, I'm completely skipping the part where he says "this curse is more of a biological thing than supernatural," because THAT my friends, will be saved for the very end in the Final Word for the whole book.

 NCG declares that it is a prototype, stating that all it does is make him not hate the sun.  All his powers and thirst remain but he can work on a tan for about 4 hours and...


Why does he not use this to his advantage over Senator Douchecannoe?  Douchecannoe has to lie to the public about why he can't be outdoors for long.  Rather than have to drop a few million every time he needs a favor, he can just buy his alliance outright with this serum.  The best secrets to keep are the ones that are out in the open, you fucking ham sandwich, meaning that he can develop his serum under the guise of helping out a fellow Diet-Primogen while placing Senator Douchecannoe into his debt and not the other way around.  Meaning that, NCG doesn't have to be beholden to Senator Douche.  He can just take away The Juice and force him to cave.  NCG has been around since the Revolutionary War.  He can be the Nice Guy, sure, but Nice Guy shouldn't equate to Nice is Dumb.  The Baron is the youngest vampire on the council out of all of them, and yet, he's playing that game better than anyone we've met.  NCG is the 3rd in terms of age, and yet he's reminiscent of the Idiot Newcomer who naively believes in all of his ideals all the time. On that note, NCG has the potential to become the most powerful in the council, no fuck that the entirety of vampire society.  Just tell them you are working on a way to offset the effects of the sun, deliver on that promise, and make it to where he's the only one to create and, therefor, distribute The Juice.  

How the fuck do you still exist?

Don't worry, because this too will be covered in the end.  In fact, his whole character is getting a section.  Because the stupid is simply stunning.

Keeping with his character, NCG decides to momentarily wax on about how yes, he wants to be human, but MUH CLAN, seemingly skipping over the idea of simply promoting Right Hand Woman (RHW) to his position and turning her into a vampire.  We can't have logic here.  Fuck that.  His solution to his melancholy?  Go on a date(ish) with TDTL, to see the sights of New York, but in the daytime.  In a moment of clarity, after NCG reveals that this is the most "important piece of technology developed" (because fuck all the humanitarian shit they apparently do, that's not important), TDTL has the option to ask "Why are you showing me this?" to which NCG replies, and I shit you not...

"Why not?"

Why not




To counter this, he's all, "But you're mah personal assistant!"  TDTL counters that she's known him for a week.  But don't worry guys!  He's got a super secret safe thingy that burns people trying to steal his shit.  That's great, but am I alone in thinking that if someone were smart enough they could manipulate NCG into opening the safe to bypass the security measure?  It's not like it's obvious that he's got a hard-on for his newest assistant, providing someone with the ammunition to get what they want.  Maybe I should have renamed Not-Christian Grey to Too Dumb To Live.  This story has lost its mind.  I have no further words so let's just move on.

NCG visits some areas of NYC, going on about how the Revolutionary War was fought and won by the aid of vampires and mentions how he fought in every war.  I am assuming that he's referring to the early wars of the United States, because going any further than that would raise a million more questions, namely how no one has been able to trace his name throughout time.  Or better yet, the audience is left to wonder why NCG has no scars, and is apparently ageless compared to his fellow veterans of his time.  Other than that, there's nothing really worth mentioning of note.  You tour the city with him, nothing happens, yada yada fucking yawn.

TDTL returns and learns of the Awakening Ball.  Hosted by the little shit vampire that was featured in the flashback of Egyptian Ming Xiao from her Ye Ole Medieval Days.  The group takes a train to the castle, yes, a castle in NEW YORK STATE, do not ask why this is a thing. It just is.  Shut up.   At the train station, RHW is asked by NCG to attend.  Just as a reminder, we haven't seen her since Black and Nerdy became a vampire, and it's implied that she was not all too thrilled about it.  Kinda makes you wonder what she's been up to.  She turns it down, saying that I MUST GO THE COMPANY NEED MEH, and NCG is all "you da best!" Depending if you shell out diamonds you either ride with the plebeians humans who don't mind being walking blood bags or ride with the vampires. Either way you get to the castle and Chapter 8 ends.

Yet another chapter where there was more questions than content.  The worst part?  Too Dumb To Live isn't even the dumbest person in the group anymore, it's Not-Christen Grey.  Holy fuck.  Eight chapters down, Eight to go.

Edited by NobleShadowHunter

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Posted (edited)

Chapter 9: Filler + Bullshit + Random People Dying = TOTES GOOD WRITING!!!!

So this chapter is gonna go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY quick.  Why is that you ask?  Because nothing really happens.  Filler.  Like 95% of it. So here we go.  AND WITHIN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS, TOO DUMB TO LIVE UTTERS THIS SHIT:

"I'm going to a beautiful castle surrounded by vampires.  Is this a dream?"

Is this a dream?

Is this a dream?



This bitch has lost her mind.  Less than 24 hours ago, your friend was inches from death. Then, you had to watch her come to terms with her new state of being (though the writers partially fucked that up but it's whatever at this point. Fuck development). Hours later, you were bargaining for her continued existence, knowing that she could be put to the sword.  Now, you and your roommate are now ass deep in vampire politics, as shown with this stupid Awakening Ball. The number of people who actually give a shit about your well-being can be counted on one hand.  Said people are also now in a compromised position because of you, including your fucking roommate, which you haven't given half a shit about since it initially happened. This isn't even covering the fact that there are ferals running around and killing indiscriminately.  And now, that you are going into the domain of a another vampire, someone you know nothing about, where the other Council Vampires are at (who are in a much stronger position that you and your boss), where tensions between the council members are rather high, at a time when the Discount Catiff and Zero Calorie Camerilla still royally hate each other, and feral vampires are on the loose and nobody has any idea who is behind this plot...

That's what you have to say?

Am I alone in the fact that if were in the MC's shoes, I would be a tad bit more cautious?  Maybe I would pack a weapon, or two, or twelve for fuck's sake. Shouldn't either NCG or Egyptian Ming Xiao be advocating a policy of those two staying as far away as possible from vampire politics?  For Black and Nerdy, it's now somewhat unavoidable, but TDTL?  Can EMX not also train TDTL in self defense?  That seems kinda useful.   But no, it's a dream!

Fuck off.

You run into Frenchy Vampire Child, which highlights yet another issue.  Stick with me, because this might be a little scattered at first.  Though out the story, TDTL has had brief flashes into the past by touching painting fragments.  At the end of each fragment, the text then tells you that "Oh! But you forgot all the things!"  Does TDTL forget about the painting fragment's existence?  Or do they remember the fragment, but forget the memory?  The story never explains.  Now, there's nothing wrong with the audience knowing something that a protagonist does not.  When used well,  you can create some fantastic dramatic irony. But TDTL is meant to be a blank slate, and it causes some dissonance when the Player knows something, but their character does not and it pertains to a major part the story.  In a sense, in order to figure out what is going on, the Player has to meta-game.  Anyone who has ever played an RPG (which is technically what this game is supposed to be), knows that this is a big problem.  It's why many players of older RPGs make the comment that they wish they could play a game again for the first time.  

To recap: the Player and TDTL have both experienced flashbacks that pertain to NCG and his origins, the appearance of Chekhov's Sire, EMX and Likable Frenchy Vampire Child interacting with Chekhov's Sire, and will continue to see these pieces through out the rest of the story.  However, the Player is the only one who remembers this, not TDTL.  Meaning that the player is the one who has to figure out the story and figure out the best way to navigate the world with the information given.  But TDTL doesn't remember any of this, so it bars the player from asking others relevant questions about the world and the people in it.  Because of this disconnect, there is a huge frustration caused by the writers.  The story has to be pieced together via meta-gaming by the player, but the player is forced to watch their character (TDTL) fumble through the world and story like an moron.  It's like watching your idiot cousin stumble through a china shop drunk and all you can do is bang on the glass and hope for the best.  This is not good writing, would you please fucking stop?

Moving on...

So FVC reveals that he had his castle moved brick by brick from Europe (I've already covered the nonsense of castles in New York so I won't be doing that again). You change into clothes that befit an actual ball (if you pay diamonds. It does nothing.), you hang out with B&N, eat some food, see the vampires from the Zero Calorie Camerilla do nothing real important, Princess Lacroix not-so-subtlety hints that she wants to eat out TDTL, and then you run into another new fledgling who I will name Borderline Retcon.  TDTL and B&N decide to chat up Borderline Retcon and figure out which clan she belongs to.  Turns out she was embraced by Likable Babette, and here is yet another problem in this dumpster fire of a story.  So back in chapter 2, one of the questions that Too Dumb To Live asked Not-Christian Grey was "How many vampires are there?"  He reveals that, legally, in New York, there are 180, meaning 30 people between the six clans.  Now obviously, we know this is inaccurate, but that's due to the presence of the Diet Catiff within the city.  Logically, this prompts a question from our Nimrods, since this a flagrant contradiction to previous information. However, Borderline Retcon has this line to say:

"That's in New York City.  They're the most powerful factions...but there are a few others throughout the state.  They're allowed fewer members and the city clans have authority over them."

 Which now calls a few things into question.  When TDTL asked about how many vampires were in New York, I had originally thought she meant the state New York and not just the city of New York.  Since, you know, New York can refer to either one, and many New Yorkers tend to get a bit pissy when you all assume they come from NYC.  It made sense for the   But now, the information from Borderline Retcon confuses things.  With the "strict" 180 number, it gave the impression that the Zero Calorie Camerilla actually kept a tight leash on Embraces in the area.  It makes sense that vampires would want to keep it centralized, especially in a place like New York City.  Large cities provide access to resources that one might have issues getting a hold of in a more rural setting.  With the qualifier of "New York," one would think that you have one council for the entire state, but apparently it's only for the City of New York but even that's kinda fucked.  Borderline Retcon says the city clans have authority.  Which city?  Do the clans of New York City have the final say over everything in the state?  Or is there a council in every major city? What is the chain of command?  What the fuck is going on?

Do the writers realized that New York has multiple large cities?  In this book, there is no mention of any authority outside of the Council that we run into. We don't need to know every facet of every form of governance in vampire society, but we do need consistency.   Not-Christian Grey should have been able to answer this.  If you wanted both characters to make statements that support each other, then NCG should have said something like this:

NCG:  We have 180 within New York City, but there are other smaller clans nearby that we have authority over.  There's a similar system throughout the state of New York, but we try to stay out of each other's way.

Boom.  Not fucking hard. What this ultimately sounds like is a disastrous combination of sloppy writing and attempting to do an Ass Pull because the writers wanted to do a Fancy Ball scene. But...

I'm not done yet.  Almost.

The Awakening Ball itself is apparently held every year to welcome in and show off the newest additions to vampire society.  But the City Vampires are at a hard limit of 30 people per clan.  Other clans, apparently, exist but in smaller numbers and influence.  I would also assume that the City vampires also control how many these smaller clans can accept, as well as recognizing any small group of vampires as a legitimate clan.  This Diet-Primogen of this bullshit Zero Calorie Camerilla is supposed to rule with an iron fist, but apparently for some damn reason, can have enough inductees to their Cardboard World of Darkness that they can have a ball to celebrate them every year?  By someone who isn't even a member of the council?

what the fuck. 

The rest of the chapter is fluff crap, where you spend diamonds to hang out with TDTL's equivalent of the cardboard cutout cast of Friends. Nothing happens. What a shock.  The chapter then ends with the Rejected Nosferatu Ferals busting through the door like they're all trying out for the role of Undead John Cena. 

Edited by NobleShadowHunter

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